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This essay is based on a conversation with Pam Allyn. Deweycreates educational learning tools for parents and educators. Edited for length and clarity.
Gentle parenting — I define this as an approach that puts the social-emotional needs of children at the center, and I believe it started with the best of intentions. Anything that tells parents to stop and slow down is great.
But recently, I Gentle parenting It gets sucked into social media. There’s so much pressure online to be the good parent – the parent who doesn’t yell at their child or force them to do anything, but instead chooses to have long conversations about their child’s feelings and offer lots of options.
The problem is that it is completely Unrealistic for many parentsFirstly, not all children can communicate verbally or articulate their thoughts and needs. Secondly, parents need to get things done. They don’t always have time for conversations. Just like kids, parents sometimes prefer to communicate non-verbally. So gentle parenting can be very stressful for many parents, who end up just blaming themselves for the failure of their approach.
Systematic parenting provides expectations and empathy
In essence, I see many parents trying to fit themselves into the stories they’ve been told. About Gentle ParentingI think many of them might be better off with a different parenting approach that educators prefer: structured parenting.
Systematic parenting For children and parents, life becomes predictable. It is good for children to know what is coming next and where the limits are. We all Thrive on routineAnd systematic parenting makes that happen.
Unlike what we call gentle parenting, structured parenting is gentle, kind, and individualized. Lots of autonomy Empathy within the structure created by parents.
Create structure around meals, reading, and play
Many parents probably already have some sort of routine in place, like getting out the door in the morning or winding down before bed. Structured parenting takes it a step further by creating time to connect as a family. Connection time is built around meals, reading, and play. These three activities help deepen the bond between the whole family.
First, consider mealtimes: I watch my 2-year-old grandson frequently, so I know how mealtimes can quickly degenerate into chaos. Older kids who are involved in sports and extracurricular activities make the chaos even worse.
So commit to having a meal as a family every day. It doesn’t have to be dinner. Even just taking eight minutes to eat breakfast together will provide structure and connection. Use those few minutes to ask open-ended questions like, “What are you thinking about today?” or “What surprised you today?”
The key is to create a sense of intentional coming together, a structure that kids can count on every day.
Shared reading time sets the tone for family time
Next up is reading. You may already read out loud with your kids before bed, but take it a step further. Reading is a way to connect with kids of all ages. When you pull out the most simple and classic book, like “Goodnight Moon,” you’ll find that even older kids are hooked.
I like to move reading time to the mornings. Try having a storytime session on Saturdays. This structure helps set the tone for a family weekend. Even on the school day, you can read together for five minutes.
The final principle is play. Play shouldn’t be left just to the youngest in the family. Instead, play together and pay attention to the stories and structures they create, which should tell you more about what’s on their minds than any gentle parenting conversation could.
Systematic parenting means that mothers and fathers don’t lose sight of themselves
Parents these days are more self-critical than ever before, and sticking to a model like gentle parenting can make things worse. If your day isn’t filled with conversations and choices with your kids, you might worry that you’re not gentle enough.
Many parents feel like they lose themselves in the process. Systematic parenting allows you to give love and empathy not only to your child but to yourself. You are a unique and precious human being, and you are your child’s biggest advocate.
But it’s okay — and even healthy — to have needs of your own. Structured parenting gives you the tools to create family dynamics that reflect the needs of your family and prioritize everyone’s social-emotional well-being.