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When I was in my early 30s, my job involved extensive travel with my team. During my first year at a luxury car company, we worked hard, bonded quickly, and had a lot of fun together. When I moved to a new team, we didn’t become friends as quickly, but we enjoyed the work, the pay, and the opportunities to visit new and familiar places.
Over time, I realized that one of my new coworkers disliked me: She ignored me, excluded me from conversations, rolled her eyes at my suggestions, and directly argued with me whenever she could. She complained about me to her teammates, some of whom would sneakily tell me what she was saying behind my back.
When we had time off during the trip, I hoped that our time apart would change our relationship. Instead, her anger towards me escalated. I tried to stay out of her way and focus on work, but when she started complaining about me to her boss, I started to worry about whether I could keep my job.
I knew I had to quit.
My coworkers’ attitudes were making me miserable. Her attitude was preventing me from working, I would suffer financial losses if I quit and would not be able to travel, but working with her was painful.
I told my boss I was quitting. He was sympathetic, but saw it as just a personality clash and implied that I was also to blame. I felt undervalued and misunderstood. In the end, it was the best career decision I ever made.
I enrolled in a master’s program in clinical psychology. I’ve been interested in human nature all my life, but this disorienting experience with a colleague sparked my interest even more.
Going back to school helped me move forward
Taking a break from the professional world allowed me to analyze myself and see myself in a new light.
I learned that I don’t have to be liked by everyone. It seems obvious, but I’ve always tried to conform to who I thought other people wanted me to be. It was painful when people hated me no matter what I did or said, but it helped me realize that some people just aren’t worth pleasing and that some relationships are beyond repair. I still want to be liked, but I no longer try to please everyone I interact with.
I also realized that in my personal life, I was creative, a little messy, and expressive, but at work, my personality tended to be organized, pragmatic, and leadership-oriented. That sometimes put people off.
I have learned to soften first impressions by approaching initial interactions with genuine curiosity and showing more of my “inner self” that I naturally show when I’m more relaxed.
Learning about human nature helped me feel less powerless
One of my favorite psychology professors used to say, “You are not responsible for the first thought you think in a situation, but you are responsible for all your subsequent thoughts and actions.”
I learned not to blame myself for my initial reactions that I was not proud of, which were often deeply conditioned and unconscious. Now I recognize when I have a bad reaction, choose to think differently, and decide how to move forward. This skill may have changed the way my coworker treated me, and I would have felt less helpless and frustrated when I was around her.
One of the most valuable lessons I learned was “hurt people hurt people.” This simple truth reminds me to bring understanding and compassion to every personal interaction. I don’t know what happened in my coworker’s life that caused her to dislike me so much. It was hurtful to me, but looking back, I can see there was a bigger issue I didn’t understand.
Though kindness isn’t an excuse for condoning bad behavior, I’ve also learned to set clear boundaries about how people treat me. It helps me see each person as a multifaceted being, shaped by a lifetime of experiences. It reminds me to be kind to everyone I meet, even if we don’t become close.
I learned all of this simply by taking a break from work and immersing myself in a whole new field. It was the best career decision I ever made.